Skip to main content

Community Killers Part Four: Complaining

Nothing can tear a group apart faster or more effectively than a spirit of complaining. For some reason, complaints seem to breed faster than rabbits. Once one person’s complaining goes unchecked, it won’t be long until others have joined in and eventually the entire group is sucked into a hopeless vortex of swirling complaints. Often these complaints have little to do with the group, but they have the potential to sideswipe and destroy a group meeting, or if left unchecked, an entire group.

Complaints may cover a variety of subjects. Group members might complain about their job, their day, their neighbor, their spouse, or even the church. The role of the leader is to deal with these complaints in a way which is formative for the person, instructive for the group, and glorifying to God.

Because a LIFEgroup should be a place where people share their struggles and receive support and prayer, it can sometimes be difficult to know when someone is sharing a difficulty or complaining. Here are some questions you can use to distinguish between the two:

  • Is this person seeking a solution, or just venting?
  • Is this the first time we’ve heard this, or is it a recurring theme?
  • Is this person willing to consider another viewpoint?
  • Does this person see themselves as powerless, or are they “working on” their situation?

These questions will often help you distinguish between healthy sharing and unhealthy complaining. Even though, they might not always provide a clear distinction, they will certainly get you going in the right direction.

Complaining usually needs to be dealt with in two steps. First, the group leader needs to appropriately address the complaining immediately during the group time. Secondly, if a person’s complaining becomes chronic and begins to threaten the health of the group; the group leader (or someone else) needs to address the heart attitude of the complainer in a one-on-one setting.

The following ideas can help you handle complaining when it happens during a group time:

1) Ask open-ended questions. Try to help the person see the situation from another perspective. Asking questions also allows the person to see that you are concerned about them and want to understand what they are thinking.

2) Rather than offer solutions or agree with the complaints, immediately take time to pray about the situation.

3) If the complaints are directed toward or about another person, pray for that person as well, and offer to be a catalyst for resolving the situation. Be clear that you will not listen to anymore complaints about the person until the complainer has honestly worked toward resolution (Matthew 18:15-20; Romans 14:1-8)

If a person’s complaining continues over time, it will eventually drain the group’s energy and health. Potentially, continued complaining will spread and infect others, leading to a culture of negativity which can be depressing for the whole group and is certainly not what the church should be. The role of the group leader is to address those whose complaining threatens the health of the group.

At this point, it would be helpful to go back and read some of the suggestions regarding how to deal with conflict. Here are some brief ideas for talking with someone about complaining:

  • Affirm your love for the person and tell them about the positive things they add to the group.
  • Explain to the person how you could imagine them using their gifts to make a greater contribution to the group.
  • Help the person understand that you are talking to them about a pattern of behavior, not just one incident. Repeat to them that you are bringing this to them because you want to help them grow, not because you want to attack them.
  • Give a few examples of how theirs (or others) complaining can be a negative influence on the group life.
  • Provide a specific solution. You DO NOT want them to drop out, or to “clam up”. Give a clear example of how they can still share their struggles without falling into a complaining spirit.
  • Ask them what you can do to assist them in this journey.
  • Pray together.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

10 Summer Activities To Keep Your Small Group Connected

I just sent an email to all our small group leaders (I do this 3-4 times each month). This week's focus was STAYING CONNECTED THROUGH THE SUMMER. Below is a list of 10 summer activities a small group can use to stay connected. These are specifically created for groups at The Gathering, but you can pretty easily modify the list to fit your church or your community. Go to a Dragon's Game together. You can buy tickets as a group from the church for the game on July 11. Design a Progressive Dinner. Have appetizers at one house, salad at another, the main course somewhere else and dessert at a final destination. Have a monthly barbecue party. Serve together. Pick a place (Good Neighbor House, St. Vincents, Victory Project, Pirate Packs, Caring Partners International, One Bistro) and sign up to serve as a group one afternoon or evening. Meet up at the Family Movie Night on June 15. Spend a day at King's Island. Work at the church for an afternoon. We have many proj...
Post a Comment
Read more

20 Questions to Build Group Connections

Here is a great exercise for a new group. The instructions are pretty simple. Go around the group giving each person the opportunity to choose one question and answer it honestly. Anyone can follow-up with an opinion or clarifying question (no critiquing each other's answers, though). Once a question has been answered, no one else may answer that question. If your group is larger, you may want to alter the rule and allow each question to be answered 2 or 3 times. Ideally, each person should end up answering 3-5 questions. As the leader, pay attention to the conversation. Let the discussion run its course as this is how people in the group build their relationships with one another. You can use these questions, modify them or create your own.
Post a Comment
Read more

5 Conversations Every Small Group Should Have

Small group gatherings are not business meetings. They need not have rigid agendas or strict time constraints. Although effective groups often follow set curriculum, there are times when they can take a break from their plans and have conversations about their group’s health. These five questions can be used together or one at a time. They are designed to help groups’ determine their identity, diagnoses their health and develop a plan for the future. How can we meet one another’s needs? Acts is full of stories about Christians finding creative means by which they can meet each other’s needs. Some even sold their properties and possessions. The small group is the ideal lab in which we can work out what it truly means to love one another as Jesus loved us. If the greatest love of all is laying down our lives for each other (and it is), then meeting the needs of others in our group should be one of our first and highest priorities. How can we encourage one another? 1...
Post a Comment
Read more